My Teen is Struggling. What Can I Do to Help?
If your teenager is struggling emotionally, withdrawing from family, or acting like they don't care about anything, you're not alone. Understanding what's behind the behavior can help you respond in ways that support your teen—and your relationship with them.
Your bubbly, enthusiastic child has somehow morphed into a teenager who seems to not care about anything but their social life—or lack thereof. They once bounced into the room to tell you what happened at school or what they were thinking about, and now mumble “fine” and seem unwilling to elaborate when asked about their day.
As a parent, you might find yourself wondering:
Why is my teen struggling?
Why does my teenager seem like they don't care?
Is this normal teenage behavior, or does my teen need help?
What can I do to support my struggling teenager?
Why Is My Teen Struggling?
Most of us intuitively know that teenage years can be tough. For some of us, they were the best part of our lives, and we want our children to have the same experience. For others, our teen years were the worst, and we ache because of the pain we know they may be dealing with. Regardless of our own experience, though, we recognize that middle school and high school are a world of their own, and they don’t always follow the social rules we experience in the “real world.”
To add insult to injury, teens are facing immense developmental challenges and physical changes that make it more difficult for them to contextualize their problems. We might be able to see that their fight with their best friend isn’t the end of the world, and that they will find other, or even better, friends. To them, though, that fight might as well be life or death.
Some teens thrive in adolescence. They find their favorite people and activities, challenge themselves to grow and learn, and feel motivated by the future they hope to create for themselves. It can be especially disorienting if you’ve had one child who went through adolescence this way, and another who seems to struggle at every turn.
You find yourself questioning:
“What can I do for my child?”
And, perhaps even more:
“How can I get peace back in my home?”
Why Does My Teen Act Like They Don’t Care?
It’s important to acknowledge that people in the same family can process, express, and cope with their feelings entirely differently. It’s easy to believe that our children should have positive mental health because we have provided everything they need, cared about them, and given them every opportunity to succeed. While these things are incredibly helpful to our mental health, they do not completely determine how well we will feel.
Our personalities bring so much to the table. A reserved, introverted family can easily include a child who is outgoing, energetic, expressive, and even loud. Similarly, a family that tends to go with the flow and express opinions freely may include a child who needs structure and routine, and sees expressed opinions as insults or threats.
So, regardless of how we raise a child, they may experience the world fundamentally differently than we do. In essence, they may simply be more sensitive to certain experiences than the people around them, making everyday challenges feel more intense. This difference in personality can be especially important during adolescence, when social experiences and emotions can feel incredibly intense.
Often, teens are finding ways to compensate for how they naturally experience the world. If they’ve sensed that their sensitivity is different from those around them, they may try not to care about the words people say, or they may shift their view of the world to protect themselves from how much those words hurt.
These “sensitive” kids often get a reputation for being difficult or needy. By the time they get to high school, they may have developed coping strategies that seem confusing to a parent. Your once sweet, empathetic, considerate Jackson is now acting like a class clown and refusing to talk about emotions with us. Your compassionate Emma is now acting like nothing matters, and making jaded comments about others.
How Teenagers Cope with Difficult Emotions
The problem is that our emotions are meant to be felt and processed, not dismissed or permanently pushed aside. When teens bury their emotions to be more like their family or friends, their emotions don’t necessarily disappear. Instead, the distress may show up in different ways.
Symptoms of anxiety (overwhelm, excessive worry, agitation) or depression (irritability, angry outbursts, isolation, negative beliefs about the world and others, low energy) might seem to take over. While these symptoms can indicate an anxiety or depressive disorder, they can also reflect a teen’s difficulty coping effectively with the challenges they are facing.
Sometimes, this distress shows up in ways that are confusing or frustrating for parents–and can look like typical teenage behavior. They might start making snarky, passive-aggressive comments instead of honestly sharing how something hurt them. They might have angry outbursts, spewing extreme views and hurtful words that have been festering for days or weeks. They might break down and sob over getting a B on a quiz even though it won’t affect their overall grade, because they’ve been putting unrealistic pressure on themselves.
What Can Parents Do to Help a Struggling Teen?
Part of this process is actually healthy. We all have to manage our emotions, and sometimes that means setting them aside temporarily so we can get through the day. The important part is learning to come back to those emotions later and process them, rather than simply burying them.
Most teens have not had the chance to learn this about themselves, nor how to effectively process their emotions. Many adults haven’t had that chance, either!
At home, there are some specific things parents can do to positively engage with their teen about their feelings, and help them reflect on how they are showing up at home or at school and with their friends.
Listen Without Distraction
We all want to know we are heard, and that is much better communicated when we are not also typing an email or cooking dinner. Communicate to your teen that their experiences are important by paying full attention to them when they are willing to talk.
Ask Specific Questions About Their Day
Ask how that Spanish test went, what drama is going on around them, or how their free throw is coming along. Don’t be thrown off by short answers—this is your chance to show you care, regardless of what they want to share.
Name the Emotions You Are Seeing
Show that you are in tune with their feelings by reflecting what you see or imagine they are feeling. You can say things like:
That really frustrated you.”
“They let you down.”
“That felt embarrassing.”
“You must be really disappointed.”
Let them correct you if you didn’t get it right. Note that the important thing is acknowledging their feelings, not making them go away.
Avoid Giving Unsolicited Advice
This is probably the hardest one!
Adolescents are learning to be independent and make their own decisions, so they respond best when their loved ones care without telling them what to do. Ask questions and be curious about their thought process instead of immediately offering solutions.
“Why do you think Alex did that?”
“What do you see as your options?”
“What do you see as the pros and cons of that choice?”.
Your teen is learning how to respond to their experiences and what to expect from friends and romantic interests. They will learn more effectively and hear you more clearly when you show support for their own thoughts rather than immediately trying to solve their problems for them.
These are tall orders. Life is busy and full of stress, so slowing down and working with your teen this way may feel daunting. That’s okay!
Every shift you make toward this type of interaction can help them.
Want More Practical Advice?
If you want more practical advice like this, check out How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
You can also check out a summary of the bookhere.
How Teen Therapy in Dallas Can Help Your Struggling Teen
Teens benefit immensely from having an unbiased, compassionate person acknowledge their thoughts and emotions and help them understand that their struggles are normal. In exploring their inner world, a therapist can help adolescents reflect on the patterns they’ve fallen into and whether they serve their goals.
I love working with teens because they are starting to make sense of the world and how they fit into it. Working with them now allows them to begin this reflection process before they settle firmly into their coping strategies. For so many teens, having a truly safe place to explore themselves is life-changing. For those who find they are more sensitive than others, this is often the missing link—a safe place to learn to feel and process their big feelings.
While a safe place is a huge part of the benefit of therapy, it isn’t the whole picture. I take the work further, helping teens explore what is important to them, the type of person they want to become, and how they’ve gotten where they are now. As they reflect, they can begin to see how the behavior that caught your attention may be keeping them from the life they want to live.
As the need arises, we also work on skills together that can help with their daily stressors. These can be emotional regulation skills, study skills, skills to better focus and stay present when needed, or communication skills to improve their relationships.
If you think your teen might benefit from teen therapy, I’d love to connect. You can book a free 15-minute consultation to see if I may be a good fit here, or call/text me at 214-519-8524.
Meet Your Dallas Teen Therapist
Krista Bass is a LMSW with experience supporting teen and adult clients in Dallas, TX. She specializes in anxiety, trauma, and and supporting teens. She uses evidence-based approaches like EMDR Therapy to help clients get unstuck from shame and grow into their authentic self. At Steady Healing, she provides compassionate care both in-person and online for clients across Texas. Krista offers late afternoon and evening therapy appointments and is accepting new clients. Krista is under supervision by Michelle Spurgeon, LCSW-Supervisor.
