What If My Teen Doesn’t Want To Come To Therapy

“Miss Bass! I got a B on that exam! I’m passing now!”

“Did I tell you what happened last night?”

“Miss Bass! Can I talk to you real quick?”

As a nonprofit employee working with at-risk youth at a local high school, some of my favorite and most meaningful moments started with teens stopping me in the hallway to give me their daily or weekly update.

Over time, I had become someone they trusted and confided in—something I treasured and understood the weight of.

While I often had to hurry these students on to their next class, there were times I’d let them come into my office and talk a minute. There would be a look in their eye, or something about their tone that clued me in: this wasn’t just a casual update. Once inside my office, they’d tell me the rest:

“My dad left again last night. I don’t know if he’s coming back this time.”

“I didn’t sleep at all, I just keep having these dreams about what happened.”

“Mr. Jefferson yelled at me for talking when everyone else was, too.”

“I don’t know if my friends actually like me.”

My role in this nonprofit was as a social worker providing general support. Some students understood that I was qualified and able to provide therapy (even though that wasn’t my specific role), while others thought of me as a teacher who listened to them and helped them deal with stress.

What struck me was that some of the same students who came to me to share about their problems, listened intently to my guidance, and used the skills I gave them were the same kids who would say in group:

“I would never go to therapy.”

This sentiment was usually echoed throughout the room, with kids expressing their various reasons they would never consider therapy—all while in a group that focused on emotion expression, coping skills, and supporting one another.

And that contradiction stayed with me.

What if My Teen Doesn’t Want to Come to Therapy?

What I’ve learned is that most teenagers have a very narrow, stigmatized view of therapy. When they express their desire to never see a therapist, or insist they don’t “need” therapy, they are usually reacting to the implication that they would need a specific type of help that “people who are doing okay” don’t need.

“You Think I’m That Bad? Am I In Trouble?”

For most teens, the suggestion of therapy comes up when something isn’t going well. Perhaps they’ve suddenly been getting panic attacks, or they admitted to a school counselor that they feel down most of the time and think about ending their life. It’s easy for them to receive the suggestion as the person in front of them not wanting to deal with them anymore, or giving up on them. They can even assume they are in trouble.

They’ve either been to therapy and had a bad experience (valid—it happens), or they’ve never been to therapy but only hear about it when someone is, in their view, failing at life. When therapy is presented only as something we seek when things have gotten really bad, it makes sense that a teenager might hear the suggestion as “something is really wrong with you.”

Understandably, then, teenagers often assume that if someone is suggesting therapy, they are saying this is their last hope, or things have gotten so bad that parents or school staff just don’t know what to do with them anymore.

Further, they might feel like this is just one more way they are being punished for bad behavior, rather than seeing it as a resource available to them. Many kids have learned that special attention means punishment. In school, you don’t get called out of class for no reason. You are either being called to the office for obviously fun reasons, or you are in trouble.

Even after two years at the same high school, I often had to assure kids they weren’t in trouble when they were called to my office, because they’ve associated standing out among their peers as a bad thing.

“I Already Talk To My Friends”

Teens may think therapy is just talking. Sharing about stress, venting about problems, and letting some stranger sit there and smile back at them…AWKWARD. Why would they do this with a stranger when they already have friends they can talk to?

While therapy can feel like talking, and often does with a good therapist, it’s actually so much more. A therapist offers a different perspective and brings specific training in relationships, emotions, and patterns of behavior.

Where a parent might see their kid’s weakness and point out the teen’s part in their own struggles, a therapist is able to “side” with the teen and gently help them see the bigger picture over time. Where a friend might insist that the teen is perfect and everyone else is doing too much, a therapist can reflect back the teen’s strengths and resilience while also helping them understand the humanity of the other people in their story.

Therapists are able to ask questions that aid in self-reflection and provide insight from both personal experiences and our understanding of human behavior. We can suggest ways to resolve uncomfortable emotions, sort through conflict, and cope with stress.

We aren’t just going to tell them to take a deep breath and act like something is wrong with them when it doesn’t fix them. We are going to understand their problems from their perspective, and help them explore the skills that will best support them, in their life and in their context.

“I Don’t Talk About My Feelings”

This is one of the most common arguments against therapy. The irony is, I’ve heard that from multiple teenagers who actually did talk about their emotions with me.

The desire not to talk about feelings can come from multiple places. Some kids have come to believe that emotions are dangerous, or unacceptable to express (see my blog post about teenage anger here).

Others simply doubt that talking about emotions will help them feel any better. We’ve all known someone who seems to constantly talk about their feelings and experiences and complain about things, yet never finds peace. Some people even treat therapy as a space to do just that.

Therapy isn’t meant to just be a sounding board. It’s meant to be a place where we learn that even in the midst of all the thoughts and feelings we try to hide, we are lovable and worthy of connection. It’s a place where being heard and cared about leads to letting our guards down, exploring our experiences, and reflecting on how we are showing up in the world.

That is the space I made for my students, and that is the place I create for your teenager. I don’t need to force a teen to talk about their emotions if they aren’t ready. My goal is to meet them where they are, and genuinely care about their perspective. In my experience, that usually opens the door to deeper conversations, when they are ready.

Additionally, my approach to teens that are reluctant to open up is to utilize light-hearted activities or games to help them feel comfortable and take the pressure off of the conversation. It helps teens not feel like my entire focus is on analyzing them or making them change. This isn’t just a trick to get kids to open up—there is nothing like beating your therapist at UNO to make you realize they are just a person.

Finally, I make therapy about them and their desires. While I meet with parents and guardians and take their concerns seriously, I know that I will get NOWHERE with a teen if I have a specific agenda. Fortunately, when we address what a teen is focused on, they typically improve in the areas you are concerned about. If not, they’ve become more open to the process of therapy by the time we are able to shift focus to your perspective and related concerns.

What If My Teen Still Doesn’t Want Therapy?

When teenagers come to therapy, they don’t have to be ready to talk about their feelings, or believe they need it. They just need to know that nothing is wrong with them, they aren’t in trouble, and this is a space for THEM. I trust and have seen that when teens feel safe and cared about, and see that their perspectives and desires are prioritized, they will begin to feel differently.

They may not walk through the door excited to come to therapy, or even believe they need it. All they need is a little encouragement to discover how therapy might be different from what they imagined.

If you believe your teen could use the support, you can book a free 15-minute phone consultation here, or call/text Steady Healing at 214.785.0086.

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